Caring For Mom has rewards and consequences
When my family decided to bring mom into our home, we never expected to experience some of what followed. There were tears, joy and numerous adjustments.
The passing of my father in early 2014 precipitated life changes for our entire family. The very first unexpected surprise was that my Mom had mild dementia. Dad and Mom had hid her mental condition well. None of us had any idea, nor did we know alot about it. As I subsequently learned, further mental decline can be accelerated by an event. In this case, Dad's death, though expected, had been met with shock and progressed her condition. That should have been my first clue. Why was she so unusually shocked at his inevitable death from an incurable condition? In her mind, it was like he was fine yesterday and then he unexpectedly died. Not knowing alot about dementia, I chalked her behavior up to natural grief and assumed time would help work it out.
Educate yourself about your loved one's health & finances
It is no small job to take on the role of primary caregiver to a loved one. You will need to know all there is about their health and finances. While some elders may be reluctant to share such information, to do the job properly, you will need to know what you're working with in order to help them.
Assessing my mother's needs involved more than just physical health. It became evident she was struggling when her weight dropped, and her cognitive health declined. She stopped taking her medications, was losing weight, and was often confused. She also had trouble with self-care, from not eating to not bathing. Even her usual tidy appearance changed, with her clothes becoming unkempt. These were clear signs of her declining ability to take care of herself. Therefore, regular health check-ups and close observation of day-to-day behavior are crucial in assessing the needs of an elderly parent.
When you see a problem, act as soon as possible
There are often signs that your loved one is having difficulty. Sometimes it just requires you to look at them to know that they are having trouble performing basic care such as bathing, eating, washing their clothes and keeping the house.
Creating a care plan for mom was a process of trial and error. Initially, I thought I could handle all the caregiving myself, but eventually, I realized the importance of getting help. For instance, mom was resistant to bathing when I told her to. So, I hired a caregiver, Donna, who was well-versed with dementia patients. She not only helped mom bathe but also engaged her in stimulating activities, like dancing to Elvis songs! Knowing when to seek professional help and how to tailor their services to your loved one's unique needs can be a crucial part of developing an effective care plan.
Some decisions won't be popular
If there are siblings involved, don't expect it to be easy and for everyone to agree with your decisions, however, acting as the fiduciary to your parent, it is your duty to do what is in their best interest, regardless of other's opinions. Money often is, according to attorneys, where most issues arise. Hire an elder law attorney to guide and protect your loved one.
When I started helping my mom manage her finances, I realized how complex it could be. An unexpected issue arose when someone tried to access her bank accounts and stock portfolio. This is when I knew it was important to take action. I hired an elder law attorney, and it was a game-changer. With their guidance, we secured her accounts, put her legal documents in order, and set up an agreement for a new living space in my house. Hiring an elder law attorney is a crucial step to safeguard the financial health of your loved ones and also to maintain financial transparency and peace within the family.
Enjoy the journey together
Aging can not be stopped and change is inevitable. As a caregiver to a loved one that can be hard to watch. While possible, do with them what they are able to in their current state of health and enjoy your time together.
We made an effort to spend quality time with Mom. She enjoyed coloring, playing music and watching game shows. It was also a time when I heard family stories and experiences we never heard of before. While Mom needed assistance with certain tasks, we still allowed her to maintain a sense of control over her life by giving her choices on what she wanted to eat or do. She and our son also found a way to enjoy each other by watching old TV shows together while snacking. That shared experience will create lasting memories.
Avoid caregiver burnout
Caregiver burnout is real and, no matter how strong you think you are, do all you can to avoid it. Often caregivers are the cog in a wheel with may spokes of responsibility. In order to keep that wheel turning, you must take care of yourself, or the wheel could come flying off and everyone suffers.
I found invaluable support from various resources. My local Senior Centers and the Office of Aging provided great advice and services, including adult day care. Our elder law attorney turned out to be a helpful guide not just for legal matters, but also for overall elder care advice. Interestingly, mom's financial planner was a surprising source of information. Also, hiring professional caregivers can provide much-needed respite and aid in managing your loved one's needs. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and there are numerous resources available to assist you.
Acknowledge your limitations
With an aging loved one, there will come a point when their health needs change or decline. These changes could be beyond your capabilities or become more than you can handle. It's easy to say, but don't feel guilty about that. You are doing the best you can for a loved one and it's a 24/7 job!
Being a primary caregiver to a loved one means sometimes tough decisions need to be made. Even if it's in their best interest, it doesn't mean you won't feel bad or experience some guilt at a result. It's hard to move your loved one from your home to a care community, but often it's in their best interest.
The caregiving job
You sign up for more than you ever imagined when becoming the caregiver to a loved one.
- Decisions
I thought I went into being a caregiver to my mother with "eyes wide open" and a good handle on what it took to do the job. In talking with numerous other caregivers, it is not unusual for one child to take the lead or caregiving role. It's vitally important for that caregiver to be in the trenches on the care and decision making for their loved ones. Sometimes, there's just a lot of decisions.
- Legal & Financial
If my mother's paperwork and accounts had been in order, this job could have been much easier. As it was, on several occassions, I received letters in the mail about a bank account I had no idea existed. The best decision I made was to hire an elder law attorney to guide Mom and my own attorney to help me navigate and make sound decisions. Her money was put in secure accounts and her legal documents were prepared and in place, all with her best interests in mind.
- Paper
I have seen first-hand how the elderly are inundated with a virtual paper storm everyday in the mail. There is every imaginable call to action for her to give money. Subscriptions and requests for donations top the list. Because most elder retirees are perceived to have money, the offers come from anyone trying to sell something they might need. Then there is legitimate mail having to do with her financial accounts and health that has to be kept because at some point, it may be needed by Medicaid.
- Time
Depending on the state of your loved ones health, you can count on spending increasing time on their care as it declines. There is a continual need to write checks, various phone calls to make, services to set up on her behalf, accounts to balance, doctors visits, prescriptions, shopping on her behalf, etc. Top all that off with end of life planning and pre-paid funeral arrangements. You're taking care of more than just the person. It includes the job of running another whole person's life.
- Sacrifices
I naively thought that I could handle it all and Mom would just slide into the mix with nothing much changing. As it turned out, something had to be given up in order to add her into the mix and that turned out to be my business. While I worked from home, there just wasn't enough time or energy to do all I was doing and run my business at the level of success I had been experiencing. I let some clients go from my marketing business and cut back on who I took on as a client with my real estate business.
- Take help when offered & consider available services
I did hire help to come in but I wish I had given more consideration to the adult day care options available in the area. While she didn't want to go, I saw how easily she adjusted to life in the memory care facility and realized she would have adjusted there too. If possible, accept help and don't sacrifice so much of your own self care that you bring on caregiver burnout. A great place to start is with your local Senior Centers. Some assisted living facilities offer adult day care and may even transport. The Office of Aging is a terrific resource for what services are available in your area. Your elder law attorney is another source of information. If found an unexpected resource in Mom's Financial Planner. Basically, talk to anyone who works with, markets to, or is in contact with a lot of elderly and you'll soon hear of plenty of available resources.
- Accept what is happening
Your loved one, and you, are aging through this journey called 'life'. As a caregiver, you have limitations. Your loved one has limitations. There's no use feeling guilty or trying to force a situation to be different. We all have to adjust to never-ending change. Mom is now in a skilled nursing home and doesn't even remember me anymore. She still is a happy person who loves to see me. I love to hug her. That's about as good as it gets.
While all of this sounds like a lot, most caregivers, myself included, wouldn't change a thing. My family and I experienced some of the best years of Mom's life. We laughed, got to know Mom on a whole different level and heard stories we never heard before. Just go into the caregiver role with "eyes wide open" and don't expect a lot of help from other family. If you do get help, be grateful and consider it a gift. Look at your home, family, your own financial situation and needs to decide if it's something you can handle. Personalities need to mesh and grandchildren (and even the dog) need to be willing to accommodate another person in their lives. When it all comes together and works out, you'll forget the worst of it, remember the best and be glad you did what you could for your loved one.