definition:
Multi-Generational Living - when 2 or more generations live together under one roof.
There are 4.6million MultiGen families,making up 4%of homes andgrowing.
Multi-generationalhomes are on the rise in America because ofaffordability and cost of 55+ living.
On average, 1 in 5American families are living or thinking of moving into MultiGen homes.
Less than 5% ofmature adults areliving in nursinghomes or assistedliving facilities.
Retirementcommunities &assisted living homes are becoming moreexpensive.
Approximately 8 out of 10 people prefer to age in place. That's often not possible.
MULTI-GENERATIONAL LIVING WORKS WELL IF EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE!
Case For Merging Households
BY MARGIE YOHN | June 2020
Are you ready to live with your parents again? Does a beloved grandparent want you to merge households and live together?
It can be elderly relatives, like parent(s), coming to live with their children and grandchildren or vice versa. In any case, the decision to merge households is best made with proper planning and not driven by emotion. There are numerous reasons families choose to live together. In my case, my mother has dementia, and living alone was no longer an option. She didn't want to go to a nursing home and we wanted her to come with us, so it was a no-brainer to bring her into our home. What we learned in combining households with parents was life-changing and the following are my opinions and arguments IN FAVOR of multi-generational living.
This will happen...how could it not? But, when you make the decision to merge households, hopefully, you all do it with 'eyes wide open' and with realistic expectations that some adjusting and compromising will happen until everyone gets settled. Even though we discussed it all, our son had a hard time at first. He was used to being an only child and the center of all the attention. When Mom first came with us, she was mourning the loss of her husband, not taking her medications properly, and missing her home of 50+ years. It was a couple of stressful months at first figuring out how to communicate, setting up my Mom's living space, and merging items together in the general living areas. Mom had to grapple with the idea that she was welcome in our home but couldn't walk into our bedroom at all hours of the night. Jake and the dog had to accept another person in the house that would require some attention. I had to take on the role of grand communicator and keep everyone talking, compromising, and moving forward in a positive and productive way. Everyone became more patient, understanding, talkative and active together. The dog, Spike, adored all the additional attention. Jake saw what it meant to "respect your elders" as we gently assisted and supported Mom with her new life situation. We demonstrated what it meant to take care of each other during a crisis and how important family was to us.
#6: Generations Get To Know Each Other
Once everyone settled into the new merged household dynamic, some wonderful things started to happen. I came to know my mother in a way I never did before. We intimately knew what was happening in each other's lives now. There was time and opportunity for deeper conversation, jokes, looking at pictures and chatting while I cooked. I heard stories about her life I never had before. She wanted to hear how Kevin's day went at work and was curious about my business. Jake and Mom developed a special bond. When he was finished with homework, Jake would often go into Mom's room to watch TV with her before he went to bed. They'd laugh, talk and eat ice cream or popcorn. Sometimes it was candy or cookies that Mom picked up on one of her excursions with the care companion. It was their 'special time' and if I poked my head in to see what they were laughing about, I felt like I was intruding on a secret club meeting. He was fascinated with her stories about his grandfather and other family members, past and present. Those 5 years that Mom lived with us were special, unique and wonderful!
#5 Reason: Interesting Family History Surfaces
Every family has an attic, closet, spare room, drawer or box(es) full of old stuff and nothing provides hours of fun like finding family history items. Many times people will share with me that moving parents into assisted living would have taken less time if they hadn't spent so much time discovering and enjoying the treasures they uncovered when preparing for the move. Mom brought 5 boxes, 3 bags and a crate containing interesting family history along with her. I spent hours with her going through things and reminiscing over pictures, jewelry and books. Jake became the beneficiary of his great-grandfathers WWII hat, coat and belt along with the story of how he barely escaped through the hatch of the tank that was blown over. Jake learned about past family members he'll never meet in person except through Mom's memories. Most of the pictures were 40+ years old which made me realize I needed to save or print the pictures on my cell phone before they're lost through the next upgrade.
#4 Reason: Merging Households Forces Some Purge
This might not be looked upon as a great argument, UNTIL you have lived through it. Unless you are all moving into a mega-house, both parties are going to be forced to organize, triage, store or purge unnecessary items, duplicates and unneeded furniture. When Mom moved into our home, while there were considerable things to get rid of from her house, we also found that we had to clean out several areas in our house to accommodate her. She had things that held special meaning, family history, or useful purpose that she wanted to bring. Combining households with my mother required moving items into our house and required getting rid of furniture, clothes, and all kinds of stuff we no longer needed and whose mere existence was taking up space. In fact, there were things in drawers and closets that I hadn't looked at in ten+ years...why was I keeping it? Be sensitive when inviting loved ones into your home that you make space for them and include their stuff in several places in the home. Your home is now going to be their home too and that's an unsettling transition for some older folks, especially it they are leaving a home they've lived in for a long time. It helps them to feel like part of the home when they see familiar objects, photos and their favorite quilt draped over the couch.
#3 Reason: Merging Households Can Save $
This makes sense if you work out a cost sharing agreement - preferably before coming together. Some families take in elder members and can afford to absorb the increase that results from more people in the household. If it's a home with a separate in-law quarters, sometimes the utilities are split and each party pays their own way. An alternative solution is to either agree to split expenses or come to some type of agreement for a fixed amount to be donated toward expenses on a monthly basis. In any case, it has to be fair and should be (really, must be) discussed before any decisions are made. Having that difficult conversation after everyone has moved in together could lead to conflict and a tense living situation. In our case, the reality was that either Mom come with us or she pays $5k+ a month to a care facility. None of us wanted that situation given that she was still functioning well and her dementia didn't pose a safety issue for her at the time.
#2 Reason: Caretaking Is More Convenient
My parents lived 1.5 hours away from me. I was their main source of transport to and from doctors. Then it reached the point when my father couldn't take care of mowing or snow removal and family was further called upon to help out. Eventually, I hired someone to do that, but by this point, their health was further declining to the point where neither of them was eating well or enough. I went from 1 day a week to 2, sometimes 3, days a week at their house. This became a huge undertaking and toll on my own family, work and health. When Mom moved in with us, it was like a weight was lifted. Sure, we had a couple of months of adjustment, but I felt like there was a return to a normal routine and I certainly gained significant time by not being on the road so much. I switched her doctors and specialists to my local area and was able to proactively help her manage her healthcare. She ate hot meals everyday with the family and started to become more active by venturing out with us or her care provider. She laughed more in the 5 years that she was with us then I had ever seen in my life.
#1 Reason: It's The RIGHT Thing To Do
This is assuming that everyone gets along, living arrangements have been discussed, any conflicts resolved, and everyone is on board with the plan. You must be realistic about multi-generational living. Learning how to make multi-generational living work can be tough. It wouldn't have worked out if my father had been involved. We had too many personality conflicts. My mother, however, was happy to be with us and fit into our family dynamic. Everything was not always easy. Most especially when it reached the point when it was not longer safe for her to stay with us. Out of all the decisions that I made on her behalf, that was by far the hardest. No matter what, you must be comfortable and at peace with merging households.
If your multi-generational situation turns into a caregiving situation, which some do, consider hiring personal care help. I thought I was super woman and that I could handle it all. Caregiver burnout is real and different things crept up to exhaust me. With dementia, it was common for Mom to think she had just recently eaten or bathed. She wasn't happy to hear her daughter tell her it was time for a bath. I never wanted her to feel like I was bossing her around or being disrespectful to her. Not bathing, however, was not an option. So while my overriding goal was that my mother was always happy in our home, I had to find a solution that would work for both of us. Voila! I hired a personal care service to come in three times a week to help her bathe and I didn't have to be the 'bad guy'. She would refuse to do it for me, but she didn't for the dear ladies that came in to help. And, huge bonus, they worked with her on language skills, physical movement and would encourage her to eat. She looked forward to their 'visits' and was eager to share what they did with us after they left.
Multi-generational living can have challenges, but it also has many joys and benefits. In the meantime, I hope this article helped and I'd be happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have about seniors living options.
You can count on Margie Yohn, Realtor® & Seniors Real Estate Specialist®, to guide you through seniors issues --either yours or on behalf of an elderly loved one -- with the goal to inform, educate and advocate for transitions that are less stressful and more successful. For Seniors On The Move!