Tips for Family Gatherings with Elders
There's always a holiday or family gathering around the corner and these 7 strategies are proven to make your family gatherings with elders merry and bright!
Family gatherings and holidays can sometimes be filled with anxiety and stress, especially for elderly family members as they worry about their ability to participate and not disappoint their children and grandchildren. There may be expectations and commitments that they may not easily be able to fulfill due to physical limitations. Plus, there's their own frustration and pressure to want be a part of the gathering and not forgotten. Here's 7 strategies to consider when putting together family gatherings that include elders.
1. Forget the ‘perfect’ [holiday, event, gathering, celebration, etc.]
Hallmark movies aren’t real life. It would take the ordinary person months to decorate a house for Christmas like they do on TV. The turkey isn’t always uniformly brown with filling spilling in a perfect, round mound out it’s butt. Sometimes it rains on the day of an outdoor wedding or the baby cries during the entire Christening. Great hosts & hostesses take the pressure off the event and put their effort into making it the best it can be under the current circumstances, making sure the guests are still able to have a good time.
elder considerations: take special care (or assign someone) to keep and eye on eldery family members.
2. Invite them to everything
Of course, if it's white water rafting, maybe not. A big fear elderly family members have is that they will be forgotten or it will be assumed they won't attend. As they age and it becomes physically or mentally impossible, maybe they won't. It's a kindness when others don't decide their limitations, but instead, try to help them overcome those limitations to attend a family gathering or event. Perhaps it's as simple as picking them up and taking them home after the family gathering.
Elder considerations: Invite them and let them decide.
3. Find ways the elderly family members can participate based on their abilities
It's so easy to plan a gathering or commit to an event and sideline the elderly family members from active participation. Sure, they may not be able to bring the stuffed turkey, but they might enjoy bringing a favorite side dish or donating the "something old" to the bride for the wedding. At the same time, it's hurtful to expect them to do something they are no longer capable of doing. When grandfather can barely walk, respectfully ask him if he wants to dance with the bride at the wedding, but don't become angry if he can't or won't.
Elder Considerations: Ask them if they want to contribute or participate and accept their limitations.
4. Look at the venue and plan where the elderly family member will be most comfortable
Again, don't sideline them to the back corner of the room or far edge of the picnic - these are some of the most interesting people at the event. At the very least, they will need easy access to the bathroom, flat, even ground to walk on, shade if outdoors and refreshments. If they're not able to easily take care of themselves, assign someone to help them navigate the venue and take care of their refreshment needs.
elder considerations: for elderly family members sensitive to sound or stimulation, such as children running around or loud music, consider putting them in a quieter part of the venue.
5. Sometimes elderly family members fall asleep
Don't be surprised or annoyed if the elderly family member falls asleep at some point during the event: during the church service, a long-winded toast to the bride and groom, the middle of the meal, etc. As people age, they sometimes have a hard time sleeping through the night or get in the habit of taking naps during the day. Just be grateful you can have a family gathering with your elders and enjoy the event.
Elder considerations: Let them nap.
6. Connections are important
Loneliness can be a real issue for the elderly, especially those who were at one time very active working and/or raising children. Social circles shrink and participation in activities decline as health issues pose a problem with transportation or mobility. When planning a family gathering with elders, find ways to establish and build connections. Bring out the family photo album and have your elderly family member tell stories about the pictures. Put on some oldies music and have them teach a few steps of a jitterbug. Encourage the children to share what's going on in their lives too. Find ways to laugh and play together.
Elder considerations: remain connected After the gathering and visit them in their home.
7. Make sure they get home and send food along.
Some elderly family members may experience food insecurity. It's generally not the ability to afford food. They may be losing their sense of appetite, lack energy to properly prepare food or find it difficult to shop. Should there be plenty of food at the gathering, the best way to help is to prepare 'to-go' meals in containers to send along. They will appreciate the delicious, home-cooked food and get a good meal prepared by the hands of their loving family member. Be sure to include dessert!
Elder considerations: check out "meals on Wheels" service or ask how to help the elderly family member with transportation or cooking.
Most Important Tip
Remember what the family gathering is about and enjoy it’s true significance. Most people become more appreciative of family and friends as they age. The little things take on more meaning: watching the kids open gifts, sitting down to a meal together, the music, the stories and laughter, and just the general atmosphere. These are equally as important to your elderly family members. Sometimes it might take additional effort, but family gathering with elders involved adds a deep sense of what family is all about and allows the children to create memories of those elderly members they will never forget.
You can count on Margie Yohn, Realtor® & Seniors Real Estate Specialist®, to guide you through seniors issues --either yours or on behalf of an elderly loved one -- with the goal to inform, educate and advocate for transitions that are less stressful and more successful. For Seniors On The Move!